I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Syndrome Disorder (PTSD) a few years ago. I didn't understand what it really was until recently.
I am trying to make a life so much better then it was. I am learning beyond what makes me tic, to figure out how to control what makes me work. Simple things, like taking care of my body, mind and emotions. The other day, I was talking with some friends who are therapists and we were discussing how I trigger still with certain events and that even tho I know things, I do not feel the same way as my knowing. And being a healer, I do recognize instantly that this is the trigger healing direction I will be taking, to clear the negative emotional energy to finally be in alignment with my mind's energy so that this particular trigger will be removed.
Now "waking up" is a glorious thing to do. What people do not tell you is that you must heal and release all of the negative in your life that will keep you from transcending. For me, I have been hearing the words "Change the Charge". I understand that I live with a negative bias. There is many reasons why this negative exists as a thought process, even tho for the most part I am a giving, caring individual.
My inner child, has been damaged, right to the core of my being. She is scared, non trusting, and so very very angry at the world, angry at existence.
I journal every day. Every feeling, every thought, every vision, every message. I journal. I was reading back on a few notes last night, and that is where I finally saw the PTSD come to life within me. All of the writings I had done in frustration, pain, confusion and anger were all about being controlled and forced to do things that harmed me. Being forced to give in and not being able to fight back to feel like I am safe or protected.
When you are diagnosed with PTSD it is like every similar thought or feeling that you had at the time of trauma, is relived. Not just the identification of similarity in the feeling, but it is reliving the feelings in their complete form, exactly on the same level of when the trauma was introduced. The only difference is now as an adult, I lash out at others in a false sense of defense. And sadly this is harmful to them, it is confusing for all, and at times, just hard to understand and explain.
I knew about all of the ways I had seen and taken the abuse as a child. I fully understand how the different parts of my being has been effected by the abuse. My physical body, the senses, the emotion, the spiritual vision that I saw. But I was not prepared for the different levels of spirit to be equal to my physical being. In spirit we have all the same senses as we do as humans. We also need to heal them as well.
This is where I am to change the charge. I am to love and be love myself, in order to grow my inner child up, in love. It is hard to work through the emotions of anger, frustration, and the negative outlook that life isn't worth the pain, and that everything ends in pain. To open up the anger to let love touch it, for it to be changed. To let the angry child be angry - and also willing, to let the love touch her, is proving to be harder then one can imagine. To be all at once, in order to be one. Loving yourself when you feel so alone, letting the love in to heal the wounds, let the light in to replace the dark, to let your life change and live in a way you have never seen before, can be very scary. To let go, and let life happen around you. To let yourself be present in every moment, regardless of what is happening.
To be on the awakened path, to see the thinness of the veil in front of you, to hear the words - wake up - ringing in your ears, then seeing what is standing between you and it, can give a sense of drive to finally be free. Eye on the prize, not the pain. See the gold beyond dragon.