April 29, 2017

This sense of futility is the hardest emotion to release. It is the hardest as it is the sense of the end, the helpless, the acceptance of not being able to fight or defend one self. With my childhood I learned the feeling of futility quite early, problem was I did not accept the futility. Today I do not have much energy left for fighting, and have not learned how to accept either. In retrospect what happens is I start with fire and force, but quickly die as soon as I can not change something. This is from a life time of fighting against forces that I can not change. I can not change someone else's decisions to hurt another, I can not change what I saw, I can not change what I could not do, I can not change death.  I can not change what has happened. I just have to deal. In order to deal, I must feel the heartache, the anguish, the loss, the confusion with no answers. 

I believe the hardest ache to heal is heart ache. A piece of yourself is removed when loved ones get traumatically hurt or removed from your life. 

The idea of how can you be expected to move on without a piece of life? A person in your life that occupies time, affections, space, energy and emotions. They make up your day. Then to loose a child, a sister, a best friend, your spouse. It completely changes your day to day life. You need to find a satisfying outlet for what you used to spend on that person. Even if it's anger.

My grand kids were taken from daughter & adopted, I never fought so hard against lies and lost. I remember shopping for clothes with my youngest 2 girls; I used to buy my grand kids clothes at the same time. As all 4 kids were only a year to year & a half a part, my one girl picked out a dress and said that would be nice for my granddaughter. I stood staring at the dress as tears came hot and fast, and realized how yet another area of my life was altered by them being gone.  I did not know in that moment how to tell my daughter we were not going to get the dress. How could I explain to her that even tho we know they were gone, but what our regular patterns were, were all different. 

When someone looses their high school sweet heart to cancer after 30 plus years together,  or a child and they are told, "You just have to accept it, you just have to move on, you have to get yourself out of this state of mourning." Is an extremely infuriating comment. You can not heal a broken heart just by moving on. I want to yell at people who say that - just move on. It's like they have no idea of what the emotions are like.  What they feel like as their heart is being ripped out of their chest, a piece of them, a very big piece died and will not return. It will never be the same. The connection will never reconnect. I always say words are triggers. I have witnessed that the words - just move on or it could be worse- send a person to rage. Why? It's the implication of going forward with everything, with that piece of your life missing, is relevant to saying that what you had and was taken, doesn't mean anything.  

This is the hardest healings' I come against with others, even myself. To find that sense of purpose again when you feel like you can't go on. To LET yourself be happy again with out your loved ones. It is the hardest acceptance to take, to let or even force yourself to find joy again with the things that you used to share with another. To LET those feelings back in and out to be expressed, is not a sense of forgetting the love lost, it's the attitude that life is still here. 

To often all that is held onto is the pain as it was the last thing that was shared with the loved one. Accepting that pain comes with love, and learn to feel the love and joyful memories again. 


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October 4, 2019

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November 10, 2017

June 7, 2017

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When one grows more and more,

you grow into something you were not

                                                         by Loya Sales