There are many times that we are subject to our own sabotage. Where what we think we want, is not what we want. We fight ourselves because of what we do not want, and what we do want, then we fight the want. I have been in the never ending turmoil of fighting to not want what I really want, fighting to wanting what I don't want, and fighting myself because I want it all and I do not want to want.
When we put ourselves in a cycle of what we think we can not have or can deal with, then the frustration mounds. The confusion of not feeling like there is a sense of direction over takes us. I have refused myself what was good for me, as when I looked at the big picture, I did not see a favorable outcome. Even tho, in the moment, it was exactly what I needed as growth. I have denied myself joy, and love for fear of enduring the pain that I predicted was coming. I was able to create what I believed was inevitable and gave it life. I brought to life, I manifested, the pain that I saw and gave it life before the scenarios truth came to light. The only truth that I created in that part of my life, was what I dreamt up. The reason why I had done this, ultimately was because I did not believe I was worthy of such a love. I did not believe it could be mine, so it was not mine. I made it go away. Then told myself it was supposed to happen that way anyhow.
What outcomes do you manifest for yourself that you are lying to yourself that serves you? My force was of fear, and lack of acceptance, and anger because I had believed and told myself that I could not have what I wanted.