At times, when we waver from what we think we want to do, and what we think we are supposed to do; it can be a very bumpy road. I have, in the past 6 months been struggling very hard with the directions in my life. The purpose, the being, and the optimism of this direction. I have fought it almost every step of the way. I DO feel so blessed and gifted at times and I am honored in those moments to be able to help others the way I do. I DO believe whole heartedly that we can change things with changing our understanding of what the truth is. I KNOW that we can release the anger and troubles in our lives and pursue a true happiness with peace.
So what's wrong with that? Why the struggle then? The scenario it seems, is trying to form a balance where I feel unity. Unity with myself and my spirit that guides me. And every now and then, the Ego desires control. Okay, well, maybe all the time my Ego wants control. I have a very gifted who says "Who wouldn't want to live like this?" Sometimes I think "Why would I want to be like this?" And then the ego says, we don't have to. So then I don't. I have struggled lately with the purpose as to why would I should continue as I have started. To follow this path with blind faith as I call it, and change my whole world this way, that was not on my original agenda. So I sit in a struggle of control and knowledge, and I seem to have none of that lately. To be told, just let it go, actually frustrates me. I want to see why I need to let it go, I want to know what I am letting go of, and I want to see it as an actual not as a concept . I need to know why. I am a type A personality, I am a left brain thinker. Things need to make sense to me, I need a known process of direction that shows a purpose for me, so I can work it.
Early on, in my working life, I realized knowledge is power. I would learn as much as I could in a company to be as versatile as possible, in order to be valuable. This morning I realized that I try to use knowledge as control. So the issue here today is wanting to control what the spirit does for me and as me. Anyone who is in this business knows, that absolutely will not work. So as I sit here now and am trying to make things "work" for my new "work" I need to leave it all up to spirit to guide me, but I still seek the control. I feel I need this control so that I can perceive the purpose, and the direction as when there is guidelines, manuals to follow, deadlines. I struggle with the concept of time, to learn how to work without the confinements of a dictated schedule, a known process and expectation for the day. How does a person grasp this concept of freedom as a work schedule?